Minutes to Midnight

And so another year comes to end, another new beginning awaits the rising sun of a new year with a new opportunity being laid in our hands. Yet I can't help but ponder the strange ways of the human mind - we always need a fresh start to regain our confidence, we need a clean slate to retrace the black marks we erased. We never stop to realize that every moment is a new beginning, every step you take, you are moving ahead.. life never stops to slow down anyone, it takes everyone in its stride, it's up to us what we take away from it; its breezy moments or its blackened sunsets. Every morning you stand at the crossroads of life, picking and choosing, big and small, but a decision, a decision that will alter the sails of your life in one direction or another. Why is it then that we need a 'new year' to make a new resolution, why do we need to blow out a candle on a 'birthday' to make a wish, and why do we need an 'anniversary' to remind us to celebrate? Everyday should be a wish for happiness, everyday should be a resolution for betterment in life, everyday should be a celebrations of being alive and appreciation. So here's to a new beginning of every moment of every new day. See you all next year :)

Lost In Translation

Splashes of freshness drench his insides, sprinkling his eyelashes, as he gulps down from the water fountain cornering his cubicle. The high notes from last nights jam session still ring in his ears continuing the recital for the upcoming concert. As much as he attempts to concentrate on the production, his mind waivers yet again and he falls back in the pit of despair. Presentations, meetings, discussions.. nothing seem to take his mind of off what he's in search for. Even though his perfection seems likes he is only born to strum, the streak of magic seems to be amiss. The distractions of his mind and soul are standing as roadblocks every time he places his guitar around him, strangling the very fingers that need to enchant. The whirlwind of turmoil that he placed himself in has finally started its decent. He knew it then, that he had left a part of him with her but only now did he realize the depth of the hole he had dug for himself. They were a mere few moments of trance, they had met, they had loved, and he had left. And now he stands, alone, missing that hand in his coat pocket from the last time he had touched her, lost in translation. And with every moment that has passed since then, the attempt of translating his thoughts at that train station, reasoning his actions, understanding his motives, deciphering his decisions, never dies. Life is only fair to those that give it a chance. He gave it a chance but snatched it away leaving a scar of deceit on noone but himself. But too much time has passed and the damage is too large. He can't go back but can't see himself moving forward. And that is when he turns to his music, so it can carry him a little further with its power and if not heal, but at least bring the pieces together of a broken heart. But now, two days before the concert, how is he to perform with a bandaged heart? These were not the moments he had planned his life on, these were not the options he had dreamed of giving himself, but these are the paths that have now been laid for him. And so he stands, on the eve of the concert, at the crossroads of life, lost in translation and chooses to take the dip and picks it up and strums.. In the hope that the joy on his audience's face will transcend into him and lessen the weight of his sorrows. But he doesn't realize that the just the opposite is happening, his audience is crying, his audience is in as much in pain as him, and they come to him to relieve their burdens. He doesn't realize that the whole world is drowning in sorrows everyday just like him. He is not standing alone at the crossroads of life every morning picking and choosing. The say you pick and choose your battles, what happens when you are standing alone on the battlefield fighting with no one but yourself? He now knows the answer, you turn to others and you let go, let go of all the pain, you give up finding the answers, you give up finding translations; you make your own dictionary.

Joie de vivre

Lets bury the hatchet,
Lets drink the glass of warmth,
Lets gift each other with unconditional love,
Lets spread the twinkle of delight,
Lets give each other another reason to smile,
Lets break the silences of solemnity and rejoice together,
Lets embrace a new beginning with each snow flake enriching the droughts of our minds and hearts.

Happy Holidays

Snowflakes falling, tickle my cheeks
Reindeer bells chiming, bring music to my ears
Red and Gold, coloring the frosted skies

.. All making my Winter Wonderland, Wondrous

Building Blocks

I've been meaning to write something for a very long time now, had many chains of ideas and thoughts, had a little time too, but just never could get the fingers working. And so today, I have arrived, yet again to spill the sparks of my neurological reactions.

A lot has happened over past few weeks. The show stealer being election'08. One of the largest marks in recent history was made, after Phelps won 8 gold medals I would have to say, with the election of Senator Barak Hussein Obama as the 44th president of the United States of America. A remarkably talented man who won in the most glorious fashion, beating his opponent by a landslide number of 203 electoral votes as well as leading in the popular vote count. That night, the roots of American politics were resown and gave birth to a new beginning of the ideology that America stands for. The ideas of race, the ideas of culture, the ideas of religion, the ideas of truth were all given a new meaning that night. He stepped into the most powerful seat by delivering one the finest speeches ever written so much so that people were comparing it to that of, "I have a dream". The chant of "Yes we can" changed to "Yes we did" proving over and over again that he is the a president of the American people and it is only to them he will provide his services for the next 4 years. Whether it is his visions of economic change, health care intervention or reconstructing the job market of America, it reached out so much so that 11% of the electoral votes counted that night came from first time voters. He got people out of their homes, out of their work and school days and gave them a fair chance at destiny by standing as a presidential nominee... "we needed Rosa to sit for Martin to walk; we needed Martin to walk for Obama to run; we needed Obama to run so WE can fly" The American people have put their foot down and determined their own future. They have taken responsibility of the functionality of their own country and not given it yet again to another selfish Republican who insists on making the rich, richer and poor, poorer. The American people have restored their faith, and mine, in America.

Moving to more trivial matters now; I did finally end up investing in the latest love of my life, the apple 3G iphone. And boy has it been a worthwhile investment! Everytime I purchase a new apple product, which I have been doing a lot these past few years, I always feel that it doesn't get better than this. But it does. And apple has reproved itself yet again with 3G. It really lives by it's commercial tagline, "solving life's dilemmas.. one app at a time". Anything you can possibly be confused about, anything that you need instant access to, anything that needs an up to date watch on.. you can control with a 133gram machine. A recommendation to all!

I finally got back into the swing of things with my lifelong favorite sport.. cricket! And am glad I caught it when one of the biggest records was being broken and an even bigger one being made. Sachin Tendulkar become the highest run scorer in both ODI and test cricket, surpassing the legendary Brian Lara. It was a great moment for any Indian across the globe. The sport of cricket in India, even with its religious following, has constantly been under great scrutiny for every reason possible. Sometimes it's the BCCI spending too much money, sometimes it's bollywood intervening modeling of crickets in their fashions shows and dance competitions, and these days the players are causing controversy within themselves and 'slapping' each other on national network. It's quite an amusing gossip follow if one keeps a track of all these offside stories. But luckily, all falls back into place and this has happened with Australia touring India this time around. The essence and passion for the game is back in the air and has yet again entrapped cricket lovers like myself.

The small moments that bring the big smiles!

A great music album release!
Reading a novel and the inner me saying, I know exactly what he's talking about!
Finding out that my grandparents are coming to visit for months and months!
Getting calls from India because I never know who it is!

Walking through red and yellow fall leaves!
Receiving one liner emails from someone I just saw 2 minutes ago!
Waking up to the sound of raindrops!
Opening doors to surprises awaiting me at home!

Turning on the radio when they play my favorite song!
Getting that perfect chai from Starbucks!
Watching the sun set behind naked tree branches!
Making that perfect brush stroke to complete my painting!

The feeling of my blanket scrunched up around me early in the morning!
The freezing winter winds hitting your sweaty face walking out of the gym!
Waking up to my mom calling me!
Having all my ipods plugged into my macbook!

Finding the perfect pair of earrings to go with my outfits!
When google has the answer to all my questions!
Perfect songs playing at imperfect times!
Going through old papers and finding old birthday cards hidden away!
And just knowing that anyone reading is smiling and saying that yup! that's what makes namita smile :)

Ru Ba Ru

The rain taps on the windowsill carrying away the scent of 'breathe' from my hands as I sit in my new apartment, which is yet to be completed, and feel the urge to come back to words..

I was chatting with a very good friend of mine earlier this evening and she very casually mentioned how overtaxing Ramadan has been for here this time around because of the burden of studies and various other factors in her life and oddly enough, this caused a very odd reaction within me. I don't know if it was the news of blasts in Delhi yesterday or simply the reccurance of my insecurities once again. Growing up as a child, I had always questioned my religious identity, when I entered college I made an active effort to rearrange this jigsaw in my mind and took a dozen Hinduism classes in search of answers, and today when I sit to think what I've harnessed, all I see are many more questions. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here trying to justify Islam or any other religion being an easier religion to decipher. But what I'm trying to identify is the root of discipline in Hinduism which I see so clearly in other faiths. Trying to break through the overwhelming numbers of deities and religious practices and beliefs and just attempting to understand what it is to be a Hindu. How can a religion be so open to interpretation that you can't even connect with it. How are the youth of today, who live in a justified world, supposed to blindly believe what their society has taught them to. And even if so, even if we agree to accept this faith that we have no alignment with, how are we expected to discipline our lives around it. I have always come to understand that religion and faith is an idea that should ground you, secure all the loose ends of your life by allowing youself to submit yourself into to something greater. For me, Hinduism has no faith that I can blindly believe and no disciplinary idea that I can acquaint myself with. If I wish, I can build faith in the apple tree outside my apartment that is giving home to a family of birds and giving shade to the grass below it. Or I can take that same faith and put all my energies to the idols that my mother wakes up to every morning. It's a challenge.. to understand where you can unleash your inhibitions. And that is why my opening line was about my friend and her Ramadan experience.. Because even if she is finding no religious connect with the act of fasting for a whole month, she is still disciplining her life around an idea and making conscious decisions to accommodate that idea and still continuing her solder her religious identity.

I just hope that when the day comes that I have to pass on my faith to my children, I can help them build a more secure understanding of their heritage.

Disconnect

Today I feel drenched in the sorrows of lives all around me. From the novel I read, to the news flashes on television, to the very own stories of my beloved, there is very little pleasure mixed with too much agony. I feel scared.. Like I need to protect all whom I love from this treacherous serpentine wave. How have we created so much hatred in us that it has transcended into all areas of us and our companions. When I look at fellow humans, some who I know and some who I want to forget, I feel ashamed. Ashamed of the kind of people, people turn out to be. I feel like running and screaming so loudly that even the Gods fear the human they have made. Screaming so loud that all the evil spread around leaves us and fades away with the echos of helplessness. But then I stop, and look behind to reassure myself that I am not the lone fighter in this, and see that no one is there, because no one cares. We live and die in a world where people are connected by blood and distanced by love.

The Way I see It # 17

"The world bursts at the seams
with people ready to tell you
you're not good enough. On
occasion, some may be correct.
But do not do their work for
them. Seek any job; ask anyone
out; pursue any goal. Don't
take it personally when they
say "no" - they may not be
smart enough to say "yes"."

Freedom Mix

I sit at Physician staff meetings often and constantly find myself immersed amongst new and yet familiar faces of my country each week. And without fail, each one of them have approached me on numerous occasions wanting to know who this young Indian girl is and why have we not seen her before. Whether it's food for gossip, community chitter chatter or simply keeping an eye out for prospective future proposals, something or the other always drives them to hunt me down in the crowd. Interestingly enough, I have noticed that all Indian adults have that same look of 'judgement' in their eye when they talk to you for the first time. Almost like they have a checklist spun out in their minds and are simply marking it with every question asked. You work here - yes! check. What is your name - Namita. check. What does your father do - CPA. check. What is your family name - Azad. !!#@&*^@#!!..and we have a breakdown. And in their minds: Azad? A muslim last name? Hmmm...and then the eyebrow rises and like survey style.. "If answer is Azad, skip to question 254"..they ask "So you are muslim?" Having perfected this with practice, I smile and say No, I am Hindu and from India. A sigh, and we are back on track.

So today, after many, many instances like that stated above, I will share with you the story of Azad.

Sitting under the skies of a heated saturday night of Summer,2007, with my grandparents who were visiting us from India, my dadaji took us back to the yester years of 1947 to explain the sweet tale of our uncanny last name. By degree he is a certified accountant, but by passion he is a poet who got caught in the age of freedom fighting. And just like a true poet, even the walls of the prison cell, where he was held captive for 18 months, were glorified by his words. It was during this time that he wrote a piece which till date, he holds very close to his heart. Upon gaining freedom from jail and India from the British, he very proudly went to his mentor and showed it to him. With the scent of freedom in the air, his mentor read through it and looked up and told him, "Madan, tum ajj Azad hogaye ho"...


"Eh abra, zara tham ke aa,
Woh aayen tau jaam ke aa,
Magar ase na baras ki woh aa na saken
Jab woh aayen, tau ase baras ke woh ja na saken"
- Madan Lal Azad

Is Old all Gold?

As public health practitioners, the health care system of the United States has constantly been under scrutiny in our eyes from the minute we stepped into that classroom. And it is from this that I now believe that it is one of the most complex systems of its kind and it is precisely for this reason why it has become increasingly difficult for it to navigate in the current climate of the United States.

Some of the issues arise with the health care industry being unique in the sense that its consumers, the patients, will interact so frequently with the providers and yet but gain much less in return. The technology is welcomed, but it is expensive to maintain and provide. Furthermore, the support structure is not sufficient to advance the technology; more qualified staffs, more machines, and better therapies are needed. As the health industry becomes more and more revolutionized, there are more major stakeholders in Health Care: the Public--collective and individual interest; Employers--constitute an influential group because they take on much more pro-active roles in determining cost of health care (large coalitions); and providers--professionals themselves; at the core--these are the people have the actual process of outcomes (they want to change it, but they cannot.) All of these facets have not yet addressed one of the most complex areas in health care: the aging population. By 2050, 30% of US population will be over age 65. Americans are living longer but are they living longer healthily?

An aging population results from the decline in fertility and increase in life expectancy. An increase in longevity raises the average age of the population by raising the number of years that each person is old relative to the number of years in which he is young. These two forces have in turn resulted in a large geriatric population. In fact, there are several reasons why health care providers are worried - First, sustaining their age and then prolonging it has become a huge economic strain. Second, although the quantity has increased, the quality of life decreases; more and more elderly are incapacitated or plagued by incurable diseases. Third, more Americans are waiting for a medical catastrophe by extending the natural lives of the elderly.

The economy has become increasingly strained when it comes to providing healthcare, in this case, long-term healthcare, for the elderly. According to the federal Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality, “5% of Americans averaged $11,500/year and accounted for 49 percent of all health care spending in 2002… One in four of these people was between ages 65 and 79 and one in six was 80 or older.” Government organizations like Medicare established payment plans for home health facilities and visiting nurses associations. These systems are still in place, yet they changed this long-term care financing by diverting payments to and from providers. Since then, the financing system has been in turmoil, with federal and state legislative and regulating bodies hunting for solutions to a system that is fundamentally flawed. In focus group studies, elderly adults say that they consider health care an entitlement. Medicare can fund at levels the federal and state governments cannot afford, but the quality of care and quality of life that these programs provide do not suffice for the elderly. The system needs to allow for a shift in resources from the young to the old, yet due to the increase in longevity, this shift has not yet been possible. This redistribution needs to analyze what areas in medicine require the most funds and which can survive with lesser funds. Essentially, it is a stable economy that can insure a more financially stable health care system that caters to the elderly.
The aging population has been fortunate to receive better medical treatment than previous generations. Advancements in technology, medical awareness, and a sense of healthy living have increased the length of their lives. In fact, there are better facilities like rehab, better surgical procedures, and better treatments are adapting to their needs. However, as time goes on, the elderly lose function of basic activities and become frail. Management of their health over time becomes difficult as they endure strokes, diabetes, and multiple chronic illnesses. The system is not set up to treat long-term illnesses for so many people and can work successfully in fewer situations. The system is set up to merely diagnose, treat, and cure and unfortunately, the elderly need more long-term care around the clock.

The US health care system must learn quickly how to adapt itself to the aging population. Geriatric care is not easy, but if more and more elderly are living longer and more and more Americans would rather prolong their lives, it makes it essential that the system know accommodate for them. The US government must pay more attention to this national crisis and lobby for more funding into hospitals, clinics, home health services, nursing homes, rehab centers, and any other geriatric facilities. There need to be more programs put in place to hire CNAs, Physician Assistants, technicians, physical therapists, and nurses in order to support this essential expansion. Geriatric departments across the US must bring in the best doctors and find the best technologies to provide a comfortable setting.

To better adapt to the aging population, the health care industry must continue to provide the traditional excellent care and treatment, and expand it to focus more on the geriatric population. There should be an emphasis on healthy living in the elderly, prevention of disabilities, maintenance of current health state, encouragement to be independent, and above all amelioration of the quality of life. Additionally, I strongly believe that community organizations headed by public health departments should encourage programs that monitor the state of the elderly as well as the young in the community by shifting the focus to preventative medicine. Although it is a difficult task, this transition is one of the most essential phenomena in Medicine and affects all areas of society.

Timely Healing

On a terribly warm Tuesday afternoon in July, I sat in the first few rows from the back, attending my first Church service. As I glanced around admiring the interior my eyes fell upon the bodies who were slowly filling the rows with saddened faces, some already a little teary eyed and some simply with sullen expressions, but each reliving the memory of eight months ago. The sunshine singers ended their last performance and the tape of the commencement was put in and walked in our president, the executive committee, the Chintemaneni family and then finally the Archbishop and Father Kevin of St. Francis. We were all brought together that afternoon to celebrate and commemorate the works of Dr. Krishna Neni.

I remember driving back from Madison, having spent another fun weekend with my nearest and dearest, and was on the phone with my dad when he broke one of the most unfortunate accident stories to me. A man, who had just bought a new Mercedes Benz was leaving the showroom and driving back to his home, when a truck, traveling in the opposite lane, lost one of its spare tires, unknown to the truck driver himself. The tire spun across the busy roads of highway 894 and smashed right into the Mercedes Benz and killed Dr. Krishna Neni then and there. Not only was I shaken up to bits but wanted to erase this horrible memory for everytime I have been on the highway after that.

Much to my dismay, this memory was livened again when I started work at St. Francis and found out that Dr. Krishna Neni was our former Chief of Staff and the founder of our Intensive Care Unit. And eight months later, we were dedicating our ICU to his name and the legacy he left behind. I choose to say legacy not because I had met him or observed any of his work but because of the heroic stories that where jumping out at me as looked at his nurses crying, former patients sitting with their eyes closed praying to God, fellow physicians with their heads down in remembrance and as I listened to his wife so graciously talking about their journey together. They say that your closest are a reflection of you, and that held true that afternoon as I understood the magic of Dr. Neni sitting in that church.

Interestingly enough, as I lay in these deep thoughts for the rest of the day, when I went for the private dinner with the Chintemaneni family later that evening, I experienced a different rush of emotions. I sat there with observing the family, his children, his wife, his friends and his coworkers and everyone else merrily enjoying their cocktails and I felt a little aggravated trying very hard to understand why no one was sad, or a little less happy if you will. They were all enjoying their conversations, talking about the brewer's game score from last night, discussing meetings of the next day, relaying stories of their college experiences but no one was grieving. And then it hit me.. they have all been healed with the power of time. Life has a come a full circle for each of them. Dr. Krishna had left such a strong mark in each of their lives that his laughter was what was coming from within them. They all knew that if he was present, he would hated to see them not talking about their work and life. I sat back and enjoyed the view. Time had so beautifully healed the hearts of this family which may never be complete ever again but will always stay united only because they each shared their lives with Dr. Krishna Neni.

Country roads take me home..

"I grew up in Botswana,"..."Oh! where do you like it better?".. the routine conversation starter. And after all this, I like to now say that home is where the heart is. Botswana is where I grew up, it is my home. The United States is where I found myself, it is also my home. But if someone were to ask me where my heart lies, I would smile and say that in my home, in my Madison.

Tucked away in the waves of lake mendota, this college town has so much to offer but to only he who seeks it. Lecture halls and auditoriums bombarded every 50 minutes with young blood inching closer and closer to their destiny. Small streets and city corners filled with scents from all over the world. The taste of beer and craze of college football drawing the old and young to Randall station. Strolls in the parks and zipping by water motorists. Scanner Dan, 24 library hours and toppers pizza cheese sticks. Kite runners on frozen Mendota and mosquito swarms on sticky summer evenings. The haunting stories of Science Hall and history written on each brick of the Red Gym. And this is only the beginning..

For me discovering Madison was like finding Narnia in my closet ..unknown and enchanted. I still vividly remember the weekend of my orientation, dad and I walking up and down the hilly routes in between lecture halls and dorms. Dad was reliving all his college memories in the two days that we spent there and availing every opportunity to narrate his student life stories as I tried to get my head around the magnanimous size of the campus.

And so began that unforgettable journey of the 'golden years'. I remember the first night I fell asleep to the patter of raindrops on my single bed, lying adjacent to another young heart, my room mate, in the only girls dormitory on campus. Strangely enough, that night, or any night following that for the next four years, I did not suffer from the home-sick bug but rather went to bed every night wanting to wake up and discover a little more of my world with each new day.

From crazy all nighters studying for biochemistry classes, to casual conversations by the terrace, to sledging down snow covered hills behind Liz waters, to canoeing on the lake, to India night 10 hour rehearsals and everything else one can possibly imagine under the sun, I did and had a gala time doing it! I made some of the most strongest friendships thus far, built beautiful memories with a few that I may never see again and understood that you cannot please everyone.

And so just like this, four years flew by right in front of my eyes. But even today, whenever I feel lonely, whenever I feel the need to breakdown, whenever I feel like there is nothing left to look forward to, whenever I feel the need to hold a friend's hand, whenever I want to fall back in love..I close my eyes and transport myself back to Madison and relive each and every memory harnessed there.

Thanks a Latte!

After finally settling into the new home, I was ready to jump on the wagon and start exploring all the coffee spots in the area. Having it being so close to home as well as I never been there either, Caribou Coffee it was! It may or may not be true otherwise, but we were always taught in marketing class the first impression invariably becomes the lasting impression and they weren't wrong..the image of an American family's river side log cabin 'up north', where the walls are decorated with stuffed animal heads, the couches are an army green shade, the lamp shades a dirty brown, and windows showcasing the surrounding green foliage will always stay with me. And so what better than settling into this with a warm cup of chai and your favorite novel.

As always, I am amazed at the incredible functions of the human mind and the extraordinary it finds in the ordinary.. Why I truly stepped out of the house was to make somewhat of an adventure our of this long boring weekend. Surrounded by the constant smell of cleaning detergents and indian food scents, I needed a change. I could only sit in my room so long with surfing anymore television channels, organizing my picture frames in every possible way or color coordinating my closet. So after having bickered with everyone I possibly could during the course of the day, I packed my backpack, put down my shades and was out. And even though this may only be 2 miles from home, with all my technology with me and with no money spent on gas, I did as much as I could of this weekend.

Blue (Da-Ba-Dee)

You will notice that every so often - more often than not - I keep editing and altering my blog templates. Today it is blue and white. Like the summer skies. Like the rain clouds. Like the new Starbucks coffee collection. Like the new New York & Company clothing line. Like the wallpaper of my office. Like the colors of flooded lakes and rivers of Wisconsin. Like Megha's summer skirts. Like the color of my Reynold's pen. Like the colors of my outlook mailbox. Like the colors of the ice mountain water bottle. Like the flag of Greece. Like Code Blue. Like the notepad that I scribble in. Like the feeling that lives within me - facing the waves head on!

Change is the essence of life they say. Change is the only way of life I say.

Keeping Bored

Obama wins democratic race. Clinton "gracefully" accepts defeat. McCain gives the worst possible speech of his campaign. Will America elect its first African-American president? Yes We Can.

Uploading and downloading. Google talk. Facebook chat. Orkut applications. Yet another new wallpaper. iphotoshopping. Constant BwT refreshments. Amazoning olympus camera case. Consulting Amardeep Singh for new reads. Pappu can't dance!

Fortune cookies. Homemade tea in big black. Canvas brainstorming. Genius bar debate - just can't let go. Antarctica isn't on there says the 'hater'. Which playlist to play? The Freedom mix.

Loving the blues with polka dots. Yellows to pinks. Red it shall be on the nails.

Oh bly me..enough is enough.

Cannibalism

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

Synesthesia

67%

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

Boondh..

Lets race time.
Lets color the dark.
Lets drain the desserts.
Lets divulge in vacuum.
Lets count the clouds of rain.
Lets drink from the half empty glass.
Lets read the canvas.
Lets dance to the beating heart.
Lets make love in war.
Lets hold sand.
Lets please the rich.

Lets do what we fear and become fearless.

A walk down memory lane..

My phone rings, I look, it says 'Bilal-pak' and I smile :) Bills is one of my most favorite people in the entire world! He's a rock star in its true meaning - plays the guitar in this insanely amazing way, doesn't shower for weeks, can eat the same meal (qdoba burrito) three times a day, 7 days a week and 365 days a year, you can always lose something in his room, does no work but all play and is a complete whack head! And it just so turns out that this rock star, is coming to the United States in a week - he says it's for work but I know secretly how much he's missing me :D

Everytime I think bilal a memory flashs through my head and that is of this one fine performance he gave to me in private 2 years ago! He lived 2 floors below me during my junior year in Madison - he hated his roommate and mine was never home. So both us jobless folk would sit around all day, eat maggie and watch the corniest hindi movies, examplie - haan maine bhi pyaar kiya!! And through this process, we stumbled upon 'mangal panday' and there was particular dance sequence performaned by rani mukherjee and for some odd reason, bills fell in love with it. After continously watching it for 2 months, one fine evening, bills gets up and positions himself on the floor right in front of me and reinacts the entire song and mind you, way way better than rani!! :) That was definately a sight for sore eyes and I am lucky enough to capture it on video. I intended on playing it at his wedding but too late for that now..the bugger has already been married for 6 months. How time flies by..

The Way I see It # 175

"The World Would be a boring place if
everyone wore a size 2. I love being a
size 22, just like I love a giant cup of hot
chocolate with extra whipped cream.
F.A.T. (Fabulous And Thick) folks know
that it's the extras in life - like pounds,
cash and love - that give us character.
Embrace the pounds baby!"

10 Centuries Later...

Your standing in a crowded beach, facing the setting sun miles away and with every incoming wave you feel the sensation of motion as it leaves you, like you're running on water far from all the noise and shout into a vacuum where all you can hear are your lungs exhaling .....and then you look down and see that your standing in the same spot and realize that it all truly is in the mind.

People often ask me what do you fear the most, and I think it is the fear of losing myself. I don't want to reach a level where I cannot answer the questions my own mind asks. I want to be responsible for my every action, emotion and consequence. Yes people affect you and make you lose control but never ever should you be at the service of someone else's happiness. Depending on my surroundings for my own comfort is not good enough..I want to reach a point of such self content that every emotion - happy or sad - comes from within me and everything outside of me should act as an added incentive. You're happy and the world around you is happy. That is why people get depressed and go and do wrong full things..because for them everything, inside and out has become ugly. But thanks to Einstein, we live in a world of relativity. Relativity. Scientifically and mathematically very sound but I think is the root of all issues and problems. Happiness is relative. How can happiness be relative? Happiness is simply happiness..as humans the same things should make us smile...the same chord should dance our heartbeats. Why then do few find happiness in rivalry, in bombings, in war and others in charity work and humanitarianism. We are all branches of the same root then why do we all blossom different colored flowers.

I am slowly learning how to be happy inside and subsequently making my world outside beautiful. So what if people leave you, so what if you leave people, so what if plans don't fall through, so what if someone does something better than you did, so what if you made mistakes..I believe that if you can wake every morning and look yourself eye to eye in the mirror and not feel the need to look away for even a split second then you are self contained, you are happy.

And so, after completing 10 centuries of miles on my new car - even though cigarettes have become cheaper to buy than gas - after another topsy turvey year in completion, all I can say that it has been good...it has been fulfilling...it has been happy!

Compare & Contrast

For me there exist only two spheres of survival - 1. what i commonly associate with the americas with where the air is filled with politics, race, depressive suicidal teenagers, obese people, technological advancements, inattentive doctors, mcdonalds, student massacres, nursing homes, also referred to as 'assisted living' for the sanity of many, coffee machines, fox news, and the abundance of availability. contrasted then with 2. which i refer to as the easterners where everything is about love, emotion, relationship, drama, more tears than laughter, obnoxious yet very enjoyable songs such as 'dil dance maare' and 'dakku daddy', filmi talent rising from every household, hot bods, days always counting down to the release of some bollywood film, the strict use of hinglish, conversational content more about film stars less about your own family, the oggling over female figures with disregard to the male race and continuously finding fault in every action of another but not ourselves.

Each has its good and bad - the right thing to say of course. But i honestly and truly believe that even the bad of world 2 out ways the goods of world 1. Undoubtedly you would live a fictitious life in world 2 but at least that will give you more reasons to smile than cry. It sorta boils down to the whole population theories of an individualistic society verses a society in actuality. But lets take another step backward - the word society originates from the french and latin which both translate it to companionship or the friendly association with others. This would hold true in world 2. You would find happiness in the happiness of others and would mourn in unity as well. But in world 1, one would live in the same neighborhood with 10 other people for 50 years and still go to their grave lonely.

But the real question is..can world 1 and world 2 coexist...i think not. You cannot make a sunset with blues and blacks, and you cannot make a moonlit night with yellows and reds...they each have their own characteristics and the more you try to mix the colors together, the further away they get from their own. And with this thought, a bollywood songs springs into my head..." khoye khoye chand ki firak mein, talash mein udas hai dil"...clearly indicating my world in me.

Going back to the start

SO it's either that I have nothing to do or too much that I procrastinate and put it aside, that I'm back here again...i would like to believe the former but then I would just be fooling myself. Sometimes I wonder how life would be if all I did was sit at home, cook extensive lavish indian meals, brew tea for the elders only about 8 times a day, clean every nook and cranny in the home and just looked pretty for the rest of the 18 hours that I would then be left with. Not having to touch a single book or memorize any more formulas. And even better, how awesome would it be not to want to check your email (+orkut + facebook) every 20 minutes. These thoughts often times crosses my mind when I come for the weekends and look at my granny and mom racing their weekends away in chores surrounding the stove and sink. Alright, well the entire home as well. But I mean would you be able to wake up every morning and just plan out your day on what meals need to be cooked at which hour and how many loads of laundry need to be done before sunset. I would love to do that if it was just for the weekend...but every weekend for the rest of your lifetime? And it is exactly at this point that I give myself a shake and should finish the rest of those applications and start article searching again once again. Yet I go with this disbelief that, 'that weekend' will surely arrive ...lets just hope this arrival time is much later than anytime soon!

Chinese Talk

Fall seems like it was ages ago - thanks to the wonderful winter season we just survived through. Hence my desire to experiment with the shades of orange. The chinese...just a sprout of my fascination with the language...I wonder how 'chirp chirp' would be written in chinese :)

Dhoop Kinaray

raat yun dil mein teri, khoyi hui yaad laye
jaise veeranein mein, chupkse bahar aajaye
jaise sehraon mein hole se chale baad-e-nasiim
jaise bimar ko bevaja quarar aa jaye

there is always that one thing that can melt your heart no matter how much it is hurting...turn the stormy winds of your pain into a sweet gentle breeze...and transform the screams of the burning hell in you into a melodic symphany...for me, there are these four beautiful lines

the story is like any other love story...boy meets girl, girl is shy, boy is quiet, ankhon hi ankhon mein ishare and all that...but there is something unique about this love story...there is something so genuine in the emotions shown that the dialougues and the performances don't seem like there are staged. the characters deliver with so much sincerity in their roles that the entire time you feel like you're sitting with them in the room and hearing their conversations and playing witness to emotional battle occuring...so real that you can feel the love...so real that you want to fall in love..

The Interview Room

Hair pulled back, the french manicure removed, an off-white turtle neck covered by a gray blazer, black pin-stripped formal pants and my all time favorite, the red anne klein pointy-toed (as I like to call them) shoes....all in the attempt to make a nervous, twenty-one year old, with a master's degree mind you, going for her first medical school interview, to look undoubtedly confident and prepared. and that's what they want. they want you to look invinceable like tom but feel like jerry who's always scurrying around looking for a small hole to hide in. the two DO doctors, the medical administrator, and the 1st year intern. all trying their level best to pivot this practiced and perfected balance by all possible means. MPH, ethics, health care, botswana, MCAT, DO/MD, Orgo twice? , stress management, Lion's club, obama, MPH? and now artciulately putting all these disconnected words systematically and intelligentally enough so the four men sitting across from me can pick me over the other only 50 candidates they're going to subject to this torture for the next 5 weeks.

You know I don't quite understand this whole process of interviewing. I mean wouldn't you rather go on a casual lunch, or coffee meeting, see how the person interacts in a more 'normal' setting...how they communicate with their environment. As opposed to making them sit in a small cubicle and picking them apart piece by piece until they don't fall through. Everyone's going to be at their best behavior then and may say they cope with stress exceptionally...but put um a room with a 65 year old old, stubborn female and a 20 year old overly enthusiastic student intern and then see how their exceptionalism flies.

Sheesh! I'm starting to feel like this is much more stressful than the actually medical education. Either way..wish me luck so they do PICK ME! :D

Definately a Venti!

many hours later, after having written enough papers to have published my own short story, i sit at a table, after going through a series of three different locations, at the local starbucks a mere 10 minute drive away from my apartment, and my mind starts to wonder once again and well, here i am.

there is just something about the top floor of this coffee house that gives me hope ..hope for someone. as i sit here i see the numerous couples, friends, study groups, old, young, children that come in and out, some staying for many hours, like myself, and others just hopping in for a quick coffee. and after many days like this i've realized that i like people. i like people a lot. i like having people with me and around me as much as i can. and this only strengthens my inner desire for another entity to live my life with me. another person who's life i wanna become entangled in and i want them to share my life. and yet i sieze from going to parties and dinners and other such events which will not only open more doors to meeting new individuals but also allow me to relieve this desireful burden off of me.

sometimes i just sit without my spectacles in front of my eyes enjoying the blur that surrounds me. loving that bubble around me. and believe that if i see anybody clearly in this parameter of mine, then they have stepped close enough for me to call them mine. only if i can see them can they seem me - the real me. it's a strange conundrum - you want someone but at the same time you push the world away. i feel like this often times. often times i find no one while standing in a crowd. and when i'm with friends i feel like im just surrounded by facades - various facades. and i used to blame one person for this and now i don't know who to point a finger at. someone once told me that you shouldn't point a finger at someone because four point back at you...go figure!

Sa-tis-fac-tion

It takes four syllables to say the word, one can't even start imaging how long it takes to understand the word. what is that one feeling that hits your heart and you're like "damn! that feels right!" ....i'll tell u what...there aren't many. probably because for most people, they spend their entire life living for others so they never really know what makes makes them feel right. i used to be one of those people...but now it's different. i feel different. i am different. call it what you may but i think it's coming to that realization that what you have now won't be there the next moment. so you build reassurance in concrete things...what actually translates into 'materialistic' things for those "live-for-others-people". and yes they are materialistic because you can touch them, you can see them, you can feel them.... you can actually depend on them. but they are also not materialistic because they are real and not fake and mind you, they are quite intricately deep and not shallow at all.

i feel satisfied when read a great piece of writing

i feel satisfied when i sip chai from panera and watch the rain fall

i feel satisfied when i listen to old hindi songs

i feel satisfied when a certain someone pops up on my messenger list

i feel satisfied when i make exceptional playlists

i feel satisfied getting an A in class

i feel satisfied when i can pencil out my thoughts....

and like benny benassi says..."push me, and then just touch me, till i can get my satisfaction". you need to be able to physically feel it so you know u can feel it again....reassurance....what makes you feel like there is still hope. hope for being happy again. hope for feeling the feeling of sa-tis-fac-tion again.

this and that

don't ask, and i won't tell. sometimes you have to come to terms with the reality of that which lives inside of you. i'm tired. i'm tired of the war that my mind and heart are playing. i'm exhausted by having to voice out commands to shut them both up. why does one get it and another doesn't. who is right? is anyone right? why do things go right when they are actually supposed to be wrong? but wait...who desides they are wrong? we do. we make the choices. we make the decisions. we decipher the rights from them wrongs. we are at the service to the kings, which are our emotions. it's a whole nother world in there. all we do is play out actions told to us. and sometimes its fun but most times its not. and you know why? because no one is perfect at this game. and that's why this is a game because if it was perfect, then nobody would be sick in this world. sick of life. sick of people. sick of pathetic situations. sick of sucky pasts. sick of love. but that's ok. because nothing is this or that in life...it's those. it's those people, those feelings, those occurrences, those expectations, those events. and it's up to you to make that great wall. to separate those into this and that. to let the right people with the this's to match your that's. but till then, heart don't ask mind wats wrong and mind won't tell heart.